When you look at this picture, what do you imagine is just over that crest? A glorious valley, or just more of the same brown deadness (or worse)?
I would like to say that I am a positive person. Someone who is always willing to look for the silver lining. Who trusts that things will turn out for the better. Who can believe God for good gifts in her life.And in my life, I can honestly say that God has blessed me tremendously.
And yet – my fears sometimes get the best of me. Rather than enjoying the moment, I feel like I am waiting for the bottom to fall out.
In my relationship with Pat right now, things have never been better. We are engaged and are happily anticipating our wedding in a few months. We are in that lovey-dovey, make-everyone-sick phase where we are on constant PDA. He texts me several times a day how much he loves and misses me. I never want to be further than arms-reach from him.
And yet – there is a little voice in the back of my mind that says, this won’t last.
And yet – the more affectionate he is, I think, just wait five years and he’ll be bored.
And yet – the more that we don’t fight or argue right now, the more that I dread the day when we will, and expect it to be soon.
So often in my prior relationships, my pessimism about the future doomed the relationship – at which point it became a question of whether it was just a self-fulfilling prophecy. I could never be satisfied with the date I just had, without worrying about the future. I would judge someone’s whole life after a few hours and immediately make my decision about whether to date them – well, he’s not a good tipper, so that means that he’s going to be stingy with money for the rest of his life and I will probably have to fight with him to fund the children’s college education and that will lead to our divorce…etc etc ad nauseum.
Ultimately, I think that these fears came back to a deep-seated lack of confidence in myself. I did not think that I was attractive enough, interesting enough, smart enough, [fill in the blank] enough to keep someone’s interest over the long haul.
And I also think that the fears are based on a lack of trust in God. God is a God who gives good gifts. He has given me Pat. Pat has proven to be a good, solid, generous, and loving guy in so many ways. Rather than doubting him or our relationship for no other reason than my fears, I need to give these cares to God and trust that He has worked it out.
For my readers, can anyone relate to this tendency to be pessimistic about relationships?