Lately I have been thinking about death. I know that sounds morbid so stay with me! The more that I love Pat, the more I am scared about losing him. Recently, two friends on Facebook shared that they lost their mothers early – one hadn’t even reached her 60th birthday. I immediately start doing the math in my head – if that were us, then I would barely have 20 years with him. Reading one of my favorite blogs, Incourage.Me, a writer describes losing her husband to a sudden heart attack. It is heartbreaking.
I strongly feel that there are so many benefits to getting married older – I am more mature, I make better decisions, I am more confident in who I am, I am more appreciative, I tolerate differences in opinion, etc. But one of the downsides is the sheer fact that you do not have as long with the person than if you had gotten married in your 20s. We won’t have as long as a married couple prior to having kids, we will be older when we finally do have those kids, and we won’t have as many of the golden empty nester years. I have barely begun to have him and I am already worried about losing him.
In part, the issue comes down to being a worrier. I am a planner. I am a deep thinker. I try to prepare for all eventualities. But this also means that I spend time thinking about negative outcomes that might never happen.
It also comes down to trust in God. God has given me this great gift of a wonderful man as a husband, and yet I don’t trust God to not take it away. I secretly believe that all good gifts will come with a thorn – that if I want him too much, love him too much, that God will take him away to “teach me a lesson” like not making my husband an idol.
In walking the single road, I have had my faith in God tested. Does God really love me? Does God really want me to be happy or does holiness equal misery?
I have to take refuge in Scripture:
How abundant are the good things that you have stored up for those who fear you, that you bestow in the sight of all, on those who take refuge in you. Psalm 31:19 (NIV)
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 (NIV)
When I look at the gifts that God has already given me along this journey – fantastic friends who have walked the single road beside me, meaningful work to give me purpose outside of marriage, and now a truly wonderful man to marry – I have no idea what more God could have done to make me trust Him more and to demonstrate His love for me. God has already given me so much, and His Word proves His love.
We won’t know the end. I don’t know how many years I will have with Pat. Maybe I will get my 50 year wedding anniversary or maybe not. But when I get scared and worried, I need to remember God’s faithfulness to me throughout my life. God has a record of abundant love for me and I need to trust in it.
How has God already been faithful to you? How does that impact your faith in finding a spouse and in your future marriage?
Photo credit to Death to the Stock Photo.