How many times have you heard some variation on this or thought it yourself??
Meet Tom. I went on a first date with Tom. He was an ER nurse practitioner, smart, tall, and we had a good conversation at a local diner. There was something slightly off about him – okay, I’ll be honest, his voice was high pitched and he seemed, well, effeminate, which was a turn-off. (Does that make me shallow?? Oh well, it’s the truth!)
I left the dinner pretty sure it was a no. We just didn’t have the chemistry. But I was also pretty sure that he would call me for a second date. I mean, the conversation never lagged. And I was dressed up and looking good! I got in the car already thinking about the next date, even as I knew the relationship wouldn’t go anywhere.
But then, he didn’t call. No call, no text.
After the first day, I figured he was busy. He practically lived in the ER, of course. I can wait.
After the second day, I thought, well, he’s probably REALLY busy. But after the third passed, it dawned on me. He really wasn’t going to call. What was happening??
I mean, it was one thing for me to not want him. It was a whole other thing for him to not want me!
I started replaying the date in my mind. I looked good, right? I was a good conversationalist, right? I immediately started doubting myself. I guess I just wasn’t that attractive. I wasn’t as funny as I thought.
And the more that I thought about him, the more that I doubted my own analysis of him. I mean, the man was a nurse practitioner in an ER, for goodness sake! He had dedicated his life to a helping profession! He was practically a saint! Who cared if I wasn’t immediately attracted to him?
I spent the fourth day desperately hoping that he would call me. I needed another chance!! C’mon!!!
But he didn’t. And by the end of the week I fell despondent. I was rejected. Again. It felt like I was going to be rejected by every man on earth. I was going to be single forever.
Just to recap: Because of a man in whom I wasn’t even interested after dinner, I became depressed and lost hope, my self-esteem cratered. Yes.
You’re probably reading this thinking, whoa, this girl is crazy. But am I? It’s the allure of wanting what you can’t have. And it’s a trap we all fall victim to. For some reason, being rejected by someone makes us value them MORE, not less.
Before you fall into the trap, check yourself. Did you even want that person? If he didn’t want to be with you, then you can be pretty confident the answer is no, you wouldn’t have been the world’s greatest couple, even if you had gotten the second date. In fact, you were probably spared a lot of heartache having it over sooner rather than later.
Trust your first instinct.