Your Worth is Not in Dating

online dating

A few years ago, having a very demanding job that required me to live where I worked (with one day off per week), I didn’t have many opportunities to expand my social circles. I was also feeling more pulled to live the vocation of marriage. So, I foraged into online dating. This allowed me to meet many more men and to see who was out there. I gained friends along the way, and even a boyfriend that I dated for a year. In my time of dating online, I learned many lessons on the journey, including about my own worth and where it originated.

Dating, online or not, can bring questions of your worth. Why are no guys showing interest? Why is this guy who seems like a perfect match viewing my profile but not reaching out? Or, why do only guys who don’t share my values seem to show interest? Why did that guy treat me so low?

If you keep logging in and not finding any messages, maybe you feel unworthy of love. Maybe the only messages you’re receiving are from weird guys, or men who don’t share your values. (It happens, even on Christian dating sites.) Or when the great guy you’ve been messaging and sharing a great conversation with suddenly disappears, you may wonder if something is wrong with you. What about when the guy you’ve been conversing with seems like a different person when you meet face to face, and even discloses a big piece of information that should have been disclosed right away? (Yes, that happened.)  So many situations arise in our dating lives that can make us feel unworthy.

Living a life of prolonged singleness, it’s easy to question your worth. The attitudes of the world about singleness make it even easier to question, especially when people constantly question why you are single. That question can linger and make you wonder, is something wrong with me? Your terrible dating experiences, online or face to face, can also trick you into believing this lie. It’s easy to forget that your worth isn’t determined by the number of messages or views you’re getting.

Worth isn’t even determined by how a man treats your heart—worth is not a product of how others view or treat you. In fact, your worth isn’t determined by men at all! If you’re at a point where you’re feeling low due to a dating drought or terrible dating experiences, maybe it’s time to take a step back from dating while you search for where your real worth can be found. Where is this worth found, you ask? Worth is found in your identity as a child of the Heavenly Father, who created you, delights in you, and even rejoices over you! Meditate on that beautiful truth. “The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in His love He will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.”-Zephaniah 3:17

 Sister, no matter your terrible dating experiences (or lack of dating experiences thereof), there is nothing wrong with you. You are not lacking in worth. Remember Who gave His life for you. He offers you a perfect love every day, no matter if nobody is romantically interested or if you are happily married. Your past, present, and even what you see of your future prospects doesn’t change anything about your worth in His eyes. Finding His love doesn’t require purchasing a subscription or making an on-point profile. Your Heavenly Father, the God of the universe, created you, and delights in you! What greater worth is there than that?

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lianna-headshot Lianna

Hello! My name is Lianna. I am 27 years old and live in Cleveland, Ohio. I am a case manager for refugee mothers. My favorite things are traveling, learning other languages, singing, and journeying with others. I blog and hope to inspire others at sunflowersojourn.wordpress.com.

You are Worth Being Single

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Everyone I know on earth: “So.  How’s it going?  Are you dating anyone?”

Still single me: Sigh….”No, I’m not dating anyone at the moment.  Yes, I’m still single.  No, there are not prospects in the foreseeable future or the requisite 15 mile radius.  And, yes, I’m fine.”

Them: -_-

Me: “No, really.  I’m happy and content on most days with being single.  Why?  Do you know someone?”

Them: “Oh, goodness no.  You don’t want to date any of my friends!  They’re so (fill in the blank with some incredibly strange or terrible character flaw)!”

Me thinking inwardly to myself: Why do you have friends like that?

Does this conversation sound familiar?  I know I’m not the only one who feels like I’m constantly defending my singleness on a daily basis.

And often when we look at this time in our lives, especially when you’re over 30 like me, people tend to lean more towards the negative side of the spectrum.  Towards the absence of something.  As if the lack of a spouse is a curse that needs to be reversed before the clock strikes 24 years of age.  Or worse, that God is withholding the blessing of marriage from us because of some unconfessed sin or the assumption our puny faith needs some pumping up.

Unfortunately, we take that stance as well.  That we’re missing something.  Incomplete.  Not yet worthy of the love and affection of another human.  Particularly a human who is male with rippling muscles, always smells like Christmas and ambition, opens doors, lays his jacket down over puddles for us to walk over, and picks up the tab on first dates without that awkward moment after the check arrives.

I’m not asking too much, am I?

Either way, while everyone else is viewing our situation as the glass being half empty, there’s always an alternative.  And from what I’ve experienced, seen, and heard, there are much worse things than being single.

Yes, there are worse things than the solo Netflix and Chill.

You could be dating that guy you met the other day who was hiding behind a smile and false chivalry.  Only to find out 3 months later that he  was actually a jerk who has no intention of ‘waiting’ or holding you in any higher esteem than Dana, Jessica, Tasha, Lauren, or any other breathing female.

You could have wasted 6 months of your life in a ‘text-lationship’ with that guy who sort of likes you but never really made a move to ask you out on a date.  Meanwhile, you’re holding strategy sessions with your friends to decipher his texts of “hi” or “what are u doing” with a winky face to determine what they really mean.  Because everyone knows that emoji was a sign of his undying love for you that he’s just too scared to reveal directly.

You could be with that nice guy who has a check mark next to most things on your list for years.  While inwardly feeling that sinking, gnawing reality of settling because you’re tired of waiting for God’s best.

But, at this moment in your life, you are worth being single.  You are worth resisting the temptation to fall into situation-ships as a result of your fleeting feelings of boredom and loneliness.  And you are worth being hidden by a God who knows your value.  And trust that He intimately knows the man who will see that value without being told or convinced.

So don’t lose hope because there are no prospects in the requisite 15 mile radius. You’re worth the waiting you have to endure to enjoy God’s perfect love and will for your life.  It may be painful in the interim, but the process of growing closer to Him and getting closer to what He has for you is unrivaled in possibility.

And not just the possibility of marriage and being found by someone to share your life with.  But the possibility that He is saving you from the extreme heartache and time wasted trying to do life on your own.

“You are my hiding place; You preserve me from trouble; You surround me with songs of deliverance. Selah.” Psalm 32:7

“Keep me as the apple of the eye; Hide me in the shadow of Your wings.” Psalm 17:8

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roz  Roz

Hey there!  My name is Roz.  I’m a full time working, single, homeschooling mother to the world’s funniest 5 year old on the planet.  I’m an introvert who is obsessed with bacon.  I like to play music extremely loudly in my car and will keep singing at full voice even when you turn to stare.  I also blog occasionally over at beautyfullyflawed.com where I write words about Jesus, homeschooling, and the beauty of imperfections.  I look forward to sharing my imperfections with you, as well.

Do You Feel Worthy of Love?

mirror

I used to be the worst at accepting compliments.  When one came my way, especially from a guy, I went into deflect mode.  Adrenaline started pumping, I got nervous, and I babbled some sort of nonsense.  “Oh, thank you, but, I’m not that beautiful.”  “Oh, thank you, but I need to lose a couple pounds.”  “Oh, thank you, it must be this outfit.”

It was the same fight-or-flight reaction I would have facing an attack.  Fight – I would deflect the “blow” and try to shift the conversation.  Flight – I would blush and try to hide.

But what attack?  It was just a compliment!  It should be the opposite of an attack!

I realized that it felt like an attack because it was an assault on one of my core beliefs about myself – the belief that I was ugly, the belief that I was not worthy of positive attention from a guy.  I could not accept someone else’s positive view about me because I did not have a positive view of myself.

The same applied when it came to my relationship with God.  I could read the verses that God saw me as beautiful, that He loved me, but I did not believe it in my heart.  I passed quickly over them and straight to the parts about what I should do to win His love.  I struggled to see God as loving me for me because I did not see myself as worthy of His love.

This failure to believe hurt my relationships with both men and God.  It was impossible for me to have a positive relationship with either when I did not believe or trust that they truly valued me.

So how did I break the pattern?

First, I had to retrain myself to accept the compliment without instantly negating it.  With men, I trained myself to simply say, “Thank you” and nothing more.  With God, I didn’t just read over the verse, I forced myself to stop and actually dwell on the verse and meditate on it in my heart.  I had to learn to trust both men and God that they were telling me the truth.  I may not have believed it about myself, but I had to accept that they honestly saw me as beautiful.

Second, I had to work on my own beliefs about myself.  I had to learn to value myself and to see the beauty in myself.  I have always been confident when it comes to academics and work, but I struggled when it came to a personal relationship.  So I had to focus on seeing my beauty and value not just professionally, but as a woman.

What about you?  Do you know your value?  Do you know that you’re worthy of love just as you are?  Do you believe people when they compliment you?  Do you believe the verses about God’s love for you?

I will post some verses below and I encourage you to not just read them, but really place them in your heart.  Write them on your mirror so you see them in the morning.  Place post-it notes around your car or office or home.  Save the verses as your screen saver so you see it every time you use your computer.  Surround yourself with the truth of God’s love and really work on believing it.  Because you’re worth it!

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. – Psalm 139:13-16

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. – Jeremiah 29:11

Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life. – Isaiah 43:4

Ask MRP!

ask-mrp

Hi MRP! 

I need your advice!

At work there is a guy who I think might like me. He sometimes smiles at me and has said hi to me in the office. However, because I am really shy I have not initiated anything, it terms of a conversation. He works in a department from me, but I have noticed him in the canteen. My main concerns are that I don’t know if he is Christian, and he looks really young, like he might be in his twenties. I am in my late 30’s.

Also I am scared of making a fool of myself; as in the past I thought guys have liked me and been completely wrong. So I am holding back in the present situation; my shyness maybe interpreted as me being unfriendly when that is not the case. 

Please help!

God bless, E

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Hi, E! Thanks for your question!

As a fellow shy butterfly, let me say that I completely understand your reticence. It was Hard with a bolded capital H to break free from my bashfulness. It still is at times. And that makes what I am about to suggest to you a little surprising:

Talk to him.

A dating book I once read had a challenge where I needed to talk to five men I didn’t know a week. Five! It was daunting and the most I made it to was one and a half :-). But the point was to begin to feel comfortable talking to someone, regardless of circumstances.

There’s a chance that he may just be a friendly coworker. And there’s an equal chance that he does have romantic interest in you. The only way to discover the truth is to have a conversation. I know you are fearful of misinterpretation and winding up with egg on your face. But it doesn’t have to be something overtly flirtatious or romantic, especially since you work together. It can be something very mundane and ordinary. Like if you’re in the canteen, “Hey, do you know if they have any [insert favorite beverage or snack] left?” Or something work-related, “What do you think about the new [insert office machine]?” Sometimes, enough small talk pieces can build a springboard to lengthier chats.

If he does turn out to be younger than you expected and if romantic interest is clear, I don’t think that should be an immediate deal-breaker. He may be mature beyond his twenty-something years. Or it could turn out that he is a very young-looking 37!

And now for his faith in Christ. It may seem upside down to place this at the end of my answer. But I think the bigger issue at play is interaction.

In Luke 5, when Jesus dined at the home of a tax collector and with other societal outcasts, the Pharisees were aghast. One commentary says they would have stayed outside of the house since eating with sinners was contaminating in their view. But God Himself remained in the thick of this relationship building meal. He ate, laughed, and spoke to those who were worlds away from the religious aristocracy.

The answer to whether or not he’s a Christian should absolutely determine any further romantic development. But it should not sever further conversation. If he is not a Christian, continue to talk to him and interact with him in a friendly manner. You may be the way he is introduced to Christ.

I pray that this helps you in your decision. May God guide you and give you strength, peace, and reassurance.

Check-Up

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I felt invincible once upon a time. Once upon a time, I could eat frosting slathered cinnamon rolls without an increasing waistline. My teeth didn’t shiver when I chewed gum. I could spend an entire night watching movies without nodding off once.

But during a recent doctor’s visit, I discovered my tenure of invincibility was over.

Is this scale calibrated correctly? Those numbers can’t be right.

My iron is low? I guess that would explain why I fall asleep by 8 o’clock.

I’m WHAT-deficient? So I have eat more vegetables? Hmm, I guess french fries wouldn’t count.

Since that visit, reading ingredient labels and calorie counts are a habit. My medicine cabinet sounds like it’s full of maracas thanks to the influx of vitamin bottles. I’ve become much more aware of everything that goes in my body.

And all it took was a check-up.

Self-examination can feel sort of obsolete as we get older. Through college, jobs, relationships, and experiences, we’ve collected a bounty of knowledge and experience to fund our decisions. We no longer need parental permission for anything so there are no limits and refusals.  Our emotional, physical, and spiritual diets are in our own hands. And we can reach a point where we know what to do and how to do it well.

Or so we think.

Throughout His Word, God tells us to take assessment of ourselves, honestly, without filter. “Each one should test their own actions” (Galatians 6:4 NIV) and “don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us.” (Romans 12:3 NLT)

How well is your soul? Is your heart full of joy or damaged from disappointment? Is your mind where it should be? What are you feeding your emotions? How spiritually healthy are you really?

Check-ups aren’t fun. They can bruise the ego and deliver unexpected news. But through them, we are able to correct problems in the making and change course.

Make an appointment for a self-examination with God this year.

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Jennifer Jennifer

Hi, there! My name is Jennifer.  I’m 32 and live in the D.C. area. I love Jesus, R & B music, and sugar in all its forms :-). In June 2016, I married my amazing husband, Calvin. I was completely single and waiting throughout my entire twenties. So I know the prayers, fears, and tears that come with prolonged singleness very well. I am excited to share my story and encourage single women who are waiting for God’s best!

Saying No to Mr. 90% Right

guy

Check out my latest published article, which is featured on SingleMatters.com, a blog/webzine for single Christians!

One week after Valentine’s Day, I put the final nail into the coffin of a relationship I knew wasn’t going to work: I made our relationship Facebook official.

I met Chris on Match.com. After two years of online dating, I had been on what felt like a million first dates. Mr. Wrong, Mr. Uncommitted, Mr. Finding-Himself – I had met them all. I had passed the 30th birthday mark and was starting to fear that marriage might not happen for me.

Read more here!