What if God Doesn’t Send Your Boaz?

WhatIfGodDoesntSendBoaz

Jen found this amazing post that speaks to the heart of many MRP readers!  Maybe your new thing that you try this month is broadening your vision of who the right man is for you!

So often, I hear within the single Christian women community to just keep working in my field. I hear that Ruth was found working and busy doing her purpose when she positioned herself to be found by this man of perfection, Mr. Boaz. So many women post statuses about being found by this famous man and even caption photos that tell the story of her wait. We’ve been sold this lie that when it comes to singleness, Boaz in all of his manliness, will come and rescue us from our singleness.

But I must ask you, “What if God doesn’t send you Boaz?

It’s clear that he’s a hot commodity and millions of Christian women are a part of the rhetoric that if we just position ourselves, flow in purpose, and know who we are, that our prize at the end of it all would be marriage with our Boaz.

But what if God sent me a Moses?

A man who is a leader, but sometimes emotionally driven and in need of my assurance to stand in the fullness of who He was called to be? Although Moses was called, He still felt extremely inadequate and battled insecurities that almost caused him to forfeit the leader that the Lord was trying to pull out of him. What if it were my responsibility to encourage him into his identity?

Read more here!

Boundaries Vs. Intimacy Finish!

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My new favorite obsession is the show First Dates.  If you haven’t watched this yet and you are a single, dating person, you are totally missing out.  This show, portraying a series of blind dates, is a tutorial in human behavior and why dates work—and don’t work.

In the latest episode, a beautiful Nashville country singer shared in the pre-date interview that she waited for sex until her first marriage.  Now divorced, she stated that she wanted to wait again.  She is set up on a blind date with a slightly awkward, nerdy guy who tells her that he has never been kissed.  Never.  Not once.  The show cut to a commercial and I thought, well, that’s it.  She’s not going to find that attractive.  It’s one thing to wait for sex, it’s another to be an adult man who has never kissed anyone.

But when the show returned from commercial, the singer’s reaction was much different than I expected.  “That’s so endearing,” she said.  She later agreed to a second date and before the credits, it was revealed that they are dating.

In the series this month, we talked about boundaries – generally, boundaries on physical intimacy.  Such boundaries – even just the concept of them – are completely countercultural to today’s hookup society.  They make us seem like prudes, out of touch, and backwards.  Worse – like adult virgins, which is exactly what we are.

So we expect rejection.  I don’t want to be seen as a weirdo.  We put up walls, pretend falsehoods, refuse to show our true selves.  I would talk about relationships and sex with friends like I was just the same as them.  I can think of only two guys that I even brought up the topic of not having sex before marriage – one of them I married.

But in doing so, we shame and devalue the boundary in our own eyes.  Equally important, we lose the opportunity to be a witness that we might otherwise have had.  There are many ways to be a light to the world – one of them is simply to be brave enough to show our true selves to others.  

I can’t promise that it won’t come without a cost.  There may be lost dates, strange looks, and awkward conversations.

But that’s a small price to pay.  When you find the one – the right one – he or she will not judge you or mock you for the boundary.  Instead, he or she will value you and respect you all the more, hopefully because he or she shares the same boundary.  It will be one more signpost on the path to true love.

A Wise, Guarded Heart

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“Keep your heart with all vigilance,
for from it flow the springs of life.”—Proverbs 4:23 (RSV)

If only we could comprehend the magnitude of this verse! As women, especially women that have been single longer than expected, it can be easy to magnify a man’s positive character traits at the very beginning. Finding a handsome man with good character can make it easy to let down our guard. Some of us have the tendency to fling open the gates of our hearts upon meeting a man who seems to embody what we are looking for. Yet we must be cautious-our hearts hold the wellsprings of life!

More than once, I’ve been guilty of not guarding my heart. There have been a few men who were amazing on the surface. They were attractive and knew exactly the right things to say. They shared the same faith and appeared to be seeking the Lord in their actions and the words they said. I opened my heart quickly to them. Yet, character is revealed over time and through different situations. Truths about their character were revealed—not the sort of truths I had expected or hoped for. Trusted friends (male and female) also brought details to my attention that came to light in their conversations with the men in question. I was left hurting and regretting my not-so-cautiously opened heart. I had charged quickly forward without exercising wisdom, blinded by the positive qualities I saw.

Part of the sweetness of building a relationship is the time it takes to blossom. A great friendship or marriage is built in the crockpot, not the microwave. The recipe is prayer, guidance from trusted mentors or friends, time together in a variety of life situations, and levels of trust and intimacy that grow according to the state of your relationship. The ingredients simmer together over time to create something wonderful.

Your shared history together helps to foster an intimacy that grows over time. You share your heart with wisdom over time as you continue to find green lights from God, your own sense of peace, and confirmations from people of wisdom.

My heart is precious to my Father. It holds the springs of life—springs that affect not only myself, but also many others surrounding me. I’ve experienced the pain that comes when I give my heart away in the eagerness that follows meeting a “great guy.”  By guarding my heart now, I’ll be better able to give away my love to the right person in time.

I’m calling on the Holy Spirit and my trusted friends as I discern wisely how to guard my heart and when to share myself more intimately. I’m feeling empowered with the healthy boundaries around my heart, and learning to thrive in healthy relationships that are built ingredient by ingredient, simmering together over time.

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lianna-headshot Lianna

Hello! My name is Lianna. I am 28 years old and live in Cleveland, Ohio. I am a case manager for refugee mothers. My favorite things are traveling, learning other languages, singing, and journeying with others. I blog and hope to inspire others at sunflowersojourn.wordpress.com.

One Size

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I remember the day I decided to save myself for marriage. I was 11 and my health class had just started a segment about STDs.

I was absolutely terrified.

At that age, I hadn’t yet developed my own relationship with God to understand the biblical necessity of my commitment. But fear was a good starting point. No marriage = no sex. So simple even a 6th grader could do it.

But then it got confusing.

I was in college when I first heard about purity rings, bands of silver or gold wrapped around the ring finger as a physical reminder of a promise to abstinence.  Then, while hanging with some sorority sisters, I watched as they threaded colorful plastic pellets to create purity beads, cords long enough to tie around their waists. Only on their wedding night would the cord be cut by their husband.

During late night conversations in our dorm, as my friends planned to not kiss or hold hands with any guy until their wedding day, I listened with a growing sense of spiritual insecurity.

I know I’m not having sex until I get married but now I can’t even hold hands? I had no jewelry to signify my commitment to God. And I hadn’t even kissed a guy yet. But I wasn’t so sure I wanted to wait until my wedding day to do so. Does that mean I’m not a good Christian?

As I grew in Christ and with age, it became clear to me that, aside from abstaining from premarital sex, physical boundaries are not one size fits all. Some couples can peck affectionately without conviction. Others feel led to steer clear of all physical touch.  And both ​can ​work, as long as the couple is seeking to honor God.

When I met my husband, I was not quite 30, far removed from the health class horror but still firm in my commitment to the Lord. We talked openly about our convictions and established what would be our boundaries. As our relationship progressed and we became acutely aware of, ahem, this thing called desire, we talked, prayed, and redrew our lines together.

If you haven’t thought about your physical boundaries yet, do so. Write them down and pray about them.  As long as your boundaries ​fit and ​create a continuous path to God, you’re on the right​ ​track.

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Jennifer Jen

Hi, there! My name is Jennifer. I’m 32 and live in the D.C. area. I love Jesus, R & B music, and sugar in all its forms :-). In June 2016, I married my amazing husband, Calvin. I was completely single and waiting throughout my entire twenties. So I know the prayers, fears, and tears that come with prolonged singleness very well. I am excited to share my story and encourage single women who are waiting for God’s best!

Do You Feel Worthy of Love?

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I used to be the worst at accepting compliments.  When one came my way, especially from a guy, I went into deflect mode.  Adrenaline started pumping, I got nervous, and I babbled some sort of nonsense.  “Oh, thank you, but, I’m not that beautiful.”  “Oh, thank you, but I need to lose a couple pounds.”  “Oh, thank you, it must be this outfit.”

It was the same fight-or-flight reaction I would have facing an attack.  Fight – I would deflect the “blow” and try to shift the conversation.  Flight – I would blush and try to hide.

But what attack?  It was just a compliment!  It should be the opposite of an attack!

I realized that it felt like an attack because it was an assault on one of my core beliefs about myself – the belief that I was ugly, the belief that I was not worthy of positive attention from a guy.  I could not accept someone else’s positive view about me because I did not have a positive view of myself.

The same applied when it came to my relationship with God.  I could read the verses that God saw me as beautiful, that He loved me, but I did not believe it in my heart.  I passed quickly over them and straight to the parts about what I should do to win His love.  I struggled to see God as loving me for me because I did not see myself as worthy of His love.

This failure to believe hurt my relationships with both men and God.  It was impossible for me to have a positive relationship with either when I did not believe or trust that they truly valued me.

So how did I break the pattern?

First, I had to retrain myself to accept the compliment without instantly negating it.  With men, I trained myself to simply say, “Thank you” and nothing more.  With God, I didn’t just read over the verse, I forced myself to stop and actually dwell on the verse and meditate on it in my heart.  I had to learn to trust both men and God that they were telling me the truth.  I may not have believed it about myself, but I had to accept that they honestly saw me as beautiful.

Second, I had to work on my own beliefs about myself.  I had to learn to value myself and to see the beauty in myself.  I have always been confident when it comes to academics and work, but I struggled when it came to a personal relationship.  So I had to focus on seeing my beauty and value not just professionally, but as a woman.

What about you?  Do you know your value?  Do you know that you’re worthy of love just as you are?  Do you believe people when they compliment you?  Do you believe the verses about God’s love for you?

I will post some verses below and I encourage you to not just read them, but really place them in your heart.  Write them on your mirror so you see them in the morning.  Place post-it notes around your car or office or home.  Save the verses as your screen saver so you see it every time you use your computer.  Surround yourself with the truth of God’s love and really work on believing it.  Because you’re worth it!

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. – Psalm 139:13-16

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. – Jeremiah 29:11

Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life. – Isaiah 43:4

Stress and the Single Life

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Overeating.  Sleepless nights.  Too many drinks.  Sound familiar?

I am a Type A overachiever.  I want to reach every life goal set before me, and then crush it.  But when it came to finding a husband, no amount of effort on my part seemed to make a difference.

I created and updated several online profiles.  I joined co-ed meetup groups.  I purposefully joined a church with a large number of singles.  And yet the years passed without any sign of Mr. Right in sight.

As I watched Facebook friends get married, have kids, and post the many “Look at how successful I am!” photos, it became clear: I was falling behind.  I was not meeting my goals.  I was out of the life success race.

I just wanted to cry out to God: what am I doing wrong?  What else do you want me to do?  Why aren’t you answering my prayer?

I didn’t hear an answer—or at least, I didn’t hear the answer that I expected, in the form of a husband riding a white horse, a rose clenched between his teeth (just kidding – that would be weird).  And so I felt forgotten, overlooked, and left behind.

The physical effects on me were classic stress symptoms.  But that’s no way to live life.  As I looked at how I was handling the stress and the negative impact on my health, I realized I had to find rest.  Balance.  Peace.

It’s easier said than done, but the common mantras of “let go and let God” and “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change” were on point.  I had to not just give lip service to, but actually accept, that there was nothing that I could do to change my circumstances and to trust that God had it in hand.  When it was the right time, He would bring the right person.

It wasn’t something that I could say just one time and boom!  Cured.  I had to remind myself over and over again.  After every bad date.  After every lonely night.  Dear Lord, I trust that you have my future in your hands.  I know that this time of waiting has nothing to do with me or my imperfections, but everything to do with your perfect plan.  I will not waste my time by stressing.  I will trust in you.

This message of trusting instead of stressing is just training for all of the circumstances in your life that don’t happy as quickly or easily as you want.  Right now, I am having to teach myself the same lesson in regard to waiting on a job.  Dear Lord, I will choose to trust in you rather than stress.  And it’s not easy.  My life feels chaotic, the path before me unknown.  I just want to do something to make a job happen.  I feel like I’ve waited long enough!  But it’s the same story – God has my life in His hands and I have to trust Him with my financial and professional future just as much as I had to trust Him with my romantic future.

And one day I will likely be having to teach myself again while waiting on a baby.  Dear Lord, I will choose to trust in you rather than stress.  There will unfortunately always be opportunities for the devil to use stress to bring us down, make us despair, and negatively impact our health.  It’s not a question of if, but when.  But we have the power in our own hands to defeat the devil, and it’s returning again and again to our faith in the Lord.

The waiting is never easy.  But it’s the lesson in how we wait that God truly wants us to learn.

Stay in the Game

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Sarah’s chubby fingers gripped the crooks of her folded arms. Her eyes became chocolate tongues of fire as she watched me collect the remaining cards.

In a 4-year-old aria, she sang, “I don’t want to play any more.”

Now, the game was her idea. She had bounced with excitement as I set up the board, arranged the cards, and gave her a game piece. But Sarah stomped her tiny sneakered feet in displeasure when she began to lose some of her gold tokens.

Something shifted when she realized that losing was a possibility.

We can feel the same way at times in life. A challenge to go on a blind date, a unique job offer or the opportunity to try anything new can be fun to entertain. But when these experiences hint at continuance, we can pause.

Because we know that floating can make you fall and injury to our person and our heart is imaginable. The risk gets real and we don’t want to play any more.

I felt this way when I began dating my now-husband. After a few months, it became clear that our connection was ordained. And that scared me. I remember thinking, “I need to do something to stop this.” The chance of heartbreak terrified me to the point where it felt easier to stay put in my stretched yet safe singlehood rather than step onto the new waters where the Lord was clearly calling me.

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”– Joshua 1:9

Stopping the game can mean cutting a journey short, missing out on a lesson, and closing the door on an awaited answer.

See what’s next. Trust God, stay in the game, and keep playing.

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Jennifer Jennifer

Hi, there! My name is Jennifer. I’m 32 and live in the D.C. area. I love Jesus, R & B music, and sugar in all its forms:-)In June 2016, I married my amazing husband, Calvin. I was completely single and waiting throughout my entire twenties. So I know the prayers, fears, and tears that come with prolonged singleness very well. I am excited to share my story and encourage single women who are waiting for God’s best!