What if God Doesn’t Send Your Boaz?

Jen found this amazing post that speaks to the heart of many MRP readers!  Maybe your new thing that you try this month is broadening your vision of who the right man is for you!

So often, I hear within the single Christian women community to just keep working in my field. I hear that Ruth was found working and busy doing her purpose when she positioned herself to be found by this man of perfection, Mr. Boaz. So many women post statuses about being found by this famous man and even caption photos that tell the story of her wait. We’ve been sold this lie that when it comes to singleness, Boaz in all of his manliness, will come and rescue us from our singleness.

But I must ask you, “What if God doesn’t send you Boaz?”

It’s clear that he’s a hot commodity and millions of Christian women are a part of the rhetoric that if we just position ourselves, flow in purpose, and know who we are, that our prize at the end of it all would be marriage with our Boaz.

But what if God sent me a Moses?

A man who is a leader, but sometimes emotionally driven and in need of my assurance to stand in the fullness of who He was called to be? Although Moses was called, He still felt extremely inadequate and battled insecurities that almost caused him to forfeit the leader that the Lord was trying to pull out of him. What if it were my responsibility to encourage him into his identity?

Read more here!

Sex: A Work in Progress

Check out my latest published article, this time back on The Mudroom!

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Scene from a popular television show: Two characters, having previously flirted for several seasons with will-they-or-won’t-they tension, figure out they are sexually attracted to each other. They grab each other, bodies grinding against each other, hands tearing off clothes, mouths practically consuming the other’s face. Cue moaning and grunting. He pushes her up against the file cabinet, and they are off to the races.  

The above is from just one show, but it’s pretty representative of what every TV show, movie, and pop song tells us sex is supposed to be. Passionate. Raw. Intense. Pleasurable. Exciting. Unleashed. Orgasmic.

For years I drank that cultural Kool-aid, all the while being committed to purity until marriage. Sex was something I both desperately wanted yet couldn’t have, like a Christmas present you had to wait to open. My best friend and I would pray against temptation and lustful thoughts, but we did not think to pray that sex with our future husbands would be great. It was a given! Plus, after all these years of celibacy, I was owed great sex, right?

Read more here!

 

Stay in the Game

Sarah’s chubby fingers gripped the crooks of her folded arms. Her eyes became chocolate tongues of fire as she watched me collect the remaining cards.

In a 4-year-old aria, she sang, “I don’t want to play any more.”

Now, the game was her idea. She had bounced with excitement as I set up the board, arranged the cards, and gave her a game piece. But Sarah stomped her tiny sneakered feet in displeasure when she began to lose some of her gold tokens.

Something shifted when she realized that losing was a possibility.

We can feel the same way at times in life. A challenge to go on a blind date, a unique job offer or the opportunity to try anything new can be fun to entertain. But when these experiences hint at continuance, we can pause.

Because we know that floating can make you fall and injury to our person and our heart is imaginable. The risk gets real and we don’t want to play any more.

I felt this way when I began dating my now-husband. After a few months, it became clear that our connection was ordained. And that scared me. I remember thinking, “I need to do something to stop this.” The chance of heartbreak terrified me to the point where it felt easier to stay put in my stretched yet safe singlehood rather than step onto the new waters where the Lord was clearly calling me.

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”– Joshua 1:9

Stopping the game can mean cutting a journey short, missing out on a lesson, and closing the door on an awaited answer.

See what’s next. Trust God, stay in the game, and keep playing.

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 Jennifer

Hi, there! My name is Jennifer. I’m 32 and live in the D.C. area. I love Jesus, R & B music, and sugar in all its forms. In June 2016, I married my amazing husband, Calvin. I was completely single and waiting throughout my entire twenties. So I know the prayers, fears, and tears that come with prolonged singleness very well. I am excited to share my story and encourage single women who are waiting for God’s best!

The Truth about Singleness and Marriage

I have been married only a couple of months.  So I don’t pretend to be an expert on marriage.  But for someone who spent her adult life up until this point without any longterm relationships, being married has been a tremendous learning curve.  So here’s what I’ve learned:

Being Single Long-term did not Ruin my Shot at a Good Marriage

I had read somewhere that people who wait longer to get married ruin their ability to be in a good marriage because they are so set in their own ways.  I have not found that at all.  My husband and I have yet to have had a single argument over household stuff.

Now, I am perhaps not the norm because I almost always had a roommate, so I never was out of the practice of living peaceably with another person.  But I think it is more about people’s personalities (neither of us are OCD) than being single.

Being Single Long-term did not Make Me Selfish

Related to the above, I had been worried that my years of singleness and always doing whatever I wanted had made me more selfish.  I wasn’t used to caring for someone all the time.  Maybe it would become grating.

Again, it’s only been a few months, but so far, nope!  In fact, I love taking care of my husband.  He’s a good man and I get a lot of joy in demonstrating my love for him on a daily basis.

Being Married does not make me Complete or Whole

We’ve all heard the Jerry McGuire phrase: “You complete me.”  You probably already knew this was crap.  I knew, but I think a part of me still believed.  I thought having someone with me all the time would cure my ____(fill in the blank).  What has instead struck me is that we were not magically transformed into one person once we took our vows.  He is still a stranger to me, just as I am to him.  I hope and expect that over the years we will grow together as we share experiences, conversations, and family.  But it’s going to be a process, not an immediate quick-fix to my own problems of loneliness, insecurity, and depression.

Being Married does not (necessarily) make you More Physically Intimate

While dating, my husband and I were joined at the hip when we were together.  I assumed, based on the trajectory, that this would only be magnified in marriage.  After all, we would be even more physical, not less, right?  We would just be wrapped around each other in one constant cuddle.

But I was wrong.  Once we got married, it seemed like that was permission for everyone to go back to doing what they had been before.  We still hang out on the couch together and like being together, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not like we’re giving each other our full, undivided attention like we were before.

And yes, sex has been added to the equation, but if I added up the total amount of time that we spend locked in an embrace, I think it’s actually less in marriage.  At least right now.

I could add more and I am continuing to learn.  Marriage is a gift.  But so was singleness.  I am incredibly lucky to be married to an amazing, loving, kind, and generous man.  Marriage isn’t what I thought it would be exactly, but then that’s the case for most things that God is involved in, and He’s most definitely in the midst of marriage.

Join the conversation!  Does this speak to you?  What expectations have you had about marriage?

Happy(?) Thanksgiving!

Family celebration or family stress?  Hugs or conflict?  A time of remembering all that we have to be thankful for or a time of focusing on the one thing that we don’t?

Whether your holidays are full of thanks or conflict, this Thanksgiving I recommend something different: radical gratitude.

• Before you head down to your family, write down five non-family things that you are grateful for.  When you feel depressed or angry, take a break (a bathroom trip is a useful excuse) and read over your list.
• During your time with your family, try to find at least one thing to thank each person who is there.  For a particularly difficult person, it may be thanking them just for passing the bread basket.  That’s okay.
• Go with the goal of helping.  Sometimes serving others can make us more grateful for what we have.

 

I am grateful for each one of you reading this post and I wish for all of you a very happy Thanksgiving!!!

MRP 2017: Building a Foundation

Whew!  This past week has been an emotional rollercoaster that I am still coming to grips with.  What it means for my country and for the world, I don’t know.  But what I do know is that God is still in control and I am trying to stand firm on that.

In the meantime, I have also been thinking about praying about the future of this blog.  What is our vision?  The October study was wonderful and powerful.  Should we try to do more of that, or should we continue doing random posts, or should we still be seeking profiles of women who got married after 30?  How do we continue encouraging singles without posting the same thing time and again?  My Type A self needs a blueprint!

The answer that finally came to me (with the help of Jennifer and my friend Abby) is that we’re going to still do a bit of all of the above, but within a larger framework.  I love books like the Happiness Project and Jen Hatmaker’s Seven (if you haven’t read the latter, you really should!!), in which the writers challenge themselves to grow by choosing to do something different each month.  Sometimes it is only by challenging ourselves that we really see what we are capable of!

In addition, I know both Jennifer and I have written several times about the importance of building a foundation – both before and after marriage.  Jesus teaches us to build our houses on solid rock and not shifting sand.  So we’re going to use that as our framework.

In 2017, our overall theme will be “Building a Foundation.”  Each month, we’re going to choose a different theme that is part of building a foundation of rock for your future marriage.  Examples of monthly themes will be “Being Healthy,” “Stepping Outside Your Comfort Zone,” “Building Spiritual Disciplines,” “Being in the Word,” etc.  My vision is that this blog will be a space of encouragement, inspiration, and accountability.  We can challenge each other and ourselves to grow into godly wives and husbands.

I hope that you will join with us!  Come be a part of the challenges, write posts, offer encouragement, pray, and let’s each help one another in building a godly foundation!

First step: What suggestions do you have for monthly themes??  What do you think are important parts of a foundation in being a godly spouse?

Proverbs 27

“A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike; to restrain her is to restrain the wind or to grasp oil in one’s right hand” – Proverbs 27:15-16

The first thought that went through my mind in response to the above verses was that it is unfair and harsh towards the ladies. However I took time to reflect – in honor of God’s words, why was it addressed to women? In a book called The Female Brain published by the University of California claimed that women speak about 20,000 words per day nearly three times the mere 7,000 spoken by men.

There are times when I’ve been told that I’m opinionated. Being the eldest in the family had taught me to navigate through life pretty much independently, and I graduated from law school. One of my favourite TV show is  series is an American legal drama series called  ‘Suits’ – need I say more?

Admittedly, it can be confusing at times to strike a balance between being a single lady in the legal /corporate world and at the same time internalizing the values of being a woman of Christ exuding graciousness, meekness, gentleness and to certain extent submissiveness in my speech and conduct. No one taught us how to ‘talk or act like a Christian gal’. Not in my Church at least.

The analogy of ‘continual dripping’ and futility of ‘grasping oil in one’s hand’ represents annoyance. The Message Bible used the analogy of a nagging spouse. In a nutshell, the verses speak of a woman who is combative, aggressive, and belligerent while nagging means constantly harassing someone to do something. No one (men or women alike) enjoys the company of a quarrelsome or a nagging person. Whether single or married it is prudent to take heed and reflect so that we could serve others better.

I was reminded by a friend that at times we may win the battle but lose the war. In a situation where conflict arise for instance, the satisfaction of winning an argument because of a minor issue may cause us to say hurtful words and ultimately lose the respect, trust, and closeness with the person  i.e. we missed the bigger picture. That does not mean that issues should not be addressed, but rather to tackle it tactfully and choosing the right time to do so.

So, how can we not be women who are ‘quarrelsome’ but women of graciousness, wisdom and dignity? My exhortation to you my fellow sisters in Christ whichever season you are in now (and note to self) would be that we are to continuously and prayerfully strike a balance between being the ‘Jessica Pearson’ or Hillary Clinton in the midst of pursuing our careers versus emulating the example of Ruth, Esther, and Mary (the matriarchs mentioned in the Bible) in relationships. No wonder women are known to be better multi-taskers! 🙂

The apostle Paul taught us in Romans 12:3 “for by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned.” May the people around us savour the fruits of the words of wisdom from our lips and blessed by the sincerity of our actions. Amen.

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 Timmie

Hello, my name is Timmie and I’m from Malaysia. I am a lawyer by profession. I am a charismatic, passionate person and enjoy beautiful things in life such as travelling to different cities to appreciate the culture. I love fashion and appreciate ‘coffee time’ with people to talk about life and build meaningful relationships. I’m passionate about the things of God, the Church and authentic leadership. My deepest desire is to embrace all that God has called me to be and be a blessing to whoever that God has placed in my life past, present and future. Our God is a GREAT God, and the best is yet to come !

Proverbs 26

Ever have one of those moments when a close friend tells you something that you really don’t want to hear but really need to hear? That moment when those hard truths smack you in the gut like a sumo wrestler?

Yea, me too. And I feel like Proverbs 26 is that well meaning friend. Truth bombs all over the place!

One thing I love about the word of God is that it’s not sugar coated. There are moments when truth is spoken with love and grace and other moments when God just lays it all out there.

Because here’s the thing: sometimes we NEED to hear the truth in a way that might not seem loving. Sometimes we NEED the truth to hit us in the gut and wake us up!

Like all of Proverbs, it’s hard to have tunnel vision on just one or two of the verses because it’s all just SO good. But as I was preparing and studying for this post I went through John MacArthur’s commentary. Here’s how he sums about Proverbs 26, “Most verses in this chapter compare the aspects of natural order that are violated with the behavior of a fool.”

Yep, pretty much sums it up! We are fools who try to take things into our own hands only to then find out we are wrong and need our Savior.

In verse 11 it says, “Like a dog who returns to his vomit is a fool who repeats his folly.”

Can we just agree that the imagery here is powerful? I love the strong imagery here! Basically saying that if you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you have always gotten.

This hit home for me because while I was praying about a husband and praying that God would bring a man that I could spend my life with, I continued to fall into the trap that being with someone was better than being with no one. Which meant I caused myself a lot of heartache that I could have avoided by simply trusting that my Father had it all figured out.

Ladies, if you are praying for a husband, if you are praying about the current relationship you’re in take a good hard look at your track record. Are you meeting men and dating them just because you’re lonely? Are you praying for a husband but not putting yourself in the position to meet new people? Or are you like me and trying to trust in yourself to find someone?

I urge you to meditate on the wisdom of Proverbs 26 and to allow God to shape your heart and mind based on His word.

Are you violating the natural order of God’s plan by trying to take things into your own hands? Or are you finding the wisdom in the Word and living your life by it.

I know that today’s chapter in Proverbs didn’t just happen to fall into my lap. I was supposed to read it, because I desperately needed to hear it. Even now in married life I am truly like a dog going back to it’s vomit – I try to do things my way even though I have learned time and time again that I am indeed a fool whose wisdom can only come from my Father.

Trust in your Father ladies, lean on Him and allow Him to give you wisdom. Only then can we leave the days of going back to our vomit and truly live freely in Him. And then maybe He might open our eyes to a possibility we didn’t see before.

Blessings,

Keri

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 Keri

I’m Keri! I’m a lover of Christ and receiver of His unending grace. I love all things book related and might have an addiction to white cheddar popcorn and Dr. Pepper. I am recently married to Josh who, frankly I just don’t deserve it. Isn’t God GOOD?! Most of my life my passion has been children’s ministry but the past few years God has been shaping my heart for women’s ministry. My sister and I started Little Light on a Hill with one goal in mind: women. We want to challenge women to dig deeper into their Word and to create a community of all different types of women who can lean on each other and help each other grow. I hope you join us there!

Proverbs 24

By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established – Proverbs 24:3

I have been thinking recently about building a strong foundation.  I am at the start of my marriage, but the reality is that I started building my foundation years ago.

The cornerstone of my foundation was accepting Jesus, 14 years ago.

I added to that church attendance – years of sermons that grew my understanding of what it meant to follow Him.

My next stone was my own Bible study – I read the Word, I joined studies, I participated in external groups like Bible Study Fellowship.

Next, prayer – this is still a small stone for me that I am working on enlarging.

Sometimes I built quickly, adding layer upon layer.  Sometimes the foundation sat dormant for months, with no activity, no growth.  But always I returned to it.

I was building a foundation for my marriage by first becoming a strong, committed Christian.  I bring the wisdom of that foundation into my marriage and it makes me a better wife.

Let me ask you, what are you doing right now to build your foundation for your future marriage?

While a lot of the building I did myself, piece by piece, the reality is that the strongest foundations are not built alone.  When Solomon built the temple, it was done by many craftsmen.  When Nehemiah rebuilt the wall, it took a whole community.

For me, my foundation has been built with the help and encouragement of others.  Especially one of my best friends, without whose Christian fellowship I would not be the woman I am today.  My small group leaders, whose wisdom and leadership helped mold me.  Pastors whose inspirational and enlightened sermons opened my eyes to new truths in the Bible.

These are relationships that I cherish.  I recognize the role that they have played in helping me build a solid foundation and I hope that I in turn have helped them build their own foundations.

Let me ask you, who is helping you build your foundation?

If you do not have people around you, then I encourage you to find them – get involved in your church, a small group, service opportunities, etc.

Let your house be built through wisdom and understanding.

Proverbs 23

Do not let your heart envy sinners, but always be zealous for the fear of the Lord. There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off. – Proverbs 23:17-18

When I looked through my Facebook feed at all the pretty pictures of everyone else’s relationship successes, I didn’t just feel envy.  I judged.  This girl who just got married – I know she was living in sin with her husband for years before the marriage!  Why does that girl get all the cute kids – she doesn’t even go to church!

In contrast, I could look around me and see a dozen beautiful, smart, funny, kind, and wonderful Christian women who were still single into their 40s, still waiting on the Lord.  They were doing what was right, holding strong to their beliefs and instead of being rewarded, they were being punished!  It just didn’t seem right.

To be honest, I felt like being a Christian put me at a distinct disadvantage.  First of all, I knew that I needed to look for a husband who shared my faith – that right there seemed to drastically limit the pool of available men.  Second, I wanted to find a man who not just shared my beliefs in word, but also in action.  I’ll just ask you – how many single Christian men do you see active in your church?  You got it.

Third, in a hookup culture where people talked about having sex not just on the first date, but on no date at all (!), I felt distinctly out of step, old-fashioned, and frankly like a frumpy fuddy-dud to still be a virgin in my 30s.  Everyone knows that men want a hot, confident lady who exudes sex appeal and puts out on the third date, right??

The more that I thought about it and analyzed the numbers objectively, the more it seemed that I was just not going to get married because I was following the Lord.

There is no pat solution to this.  The fact of the matter is that it IS harder to find a spouse as fewer people are believers.  Those single ladies I mentioned above?  Most of them are still single.

But our God is a God of impossibilities.  Throughout the Old Testament, when by human logic victory seemed impossible, God made it possible.  God has the power to make a way where it seems there is no way.

There is hope.  Because guess what?  I did find the man I was looking for.  Jennifer and Keri, other posters on this blog, did find a Christian husband as well.  The odds were against us just as much as anyone else, and yet God provided.

What is more, the Bible tells us that the Lord will bless us for the suffering that we endure for His sake.  I knew that every time that I made the right decisions to follow the Lord’s will even when it may have seemingly hurt my chances for marriage, God was applauding me.  He knew I was putting His will above my own.  I believe with all my heart that God will redeem those years of singleness and I believe the same for you.

No matter what, there is surely a future hope for you.