I had been dating this great guy for two months when he decided he no longer wanted to see me. He said I was nice but a little “too much” for him. When I asked him what he meant, he said, “You’re a little loud.” I was surprised and disappointed. I don’t remember shouting or raising my voice at anyone whenever we were together. But I do tend to be outgoing and love chatting with new people. But I’m thinking I should tone it down in order to keep him. What should I do?
Dear Too Much,
It can be troubling when your personality is described in negative terms, especially by a romantic interest. Cosmetics and hair products can easily refurbish appearance. But personality is the engine inside the fresh coat of paint. It’s what powers you, it’s who you are.
And I want to assure you that there is nothing wrong with who you are. Sanguine conversational people like you are literally the life of the party. They spark conversations, form and strengthen bonds, and lighten the mood of every arena they enter.
With that being said, I don’t think you should dilute your personality in order to win him back. Suppressing your disposition, how God made you, won’t last for long and may leave you both unhappy.
For example, there’s this toy called the Shape Ball.
The ball has openings in the shapes of a triangle, square, circle, star, pentagon, etc. The goal is to match the shape of the opening with the shape of the piece and drop it inside the ball. I’d watch my baby cousins play with it. And being babies, they couldn’t get the hang of it. They didn’t understand that the circle couldn’t be placed inside the star opening. The circle with its smooth curves and the sharp angled star slot weren’t the same. After a couple of minutes of trying and dotting the air with squeals of frustration, they would pound the circle into the opening until it eventually dropped inside the ball. But it’s not supposed to be there.
Just like that toy, you can try to force a connection, pretend to fit with someone who doesn’t quite match you. So you bang the bond into looking like it works but it doesn’t. And now you’re with the circle when you were meant to be with the star.
Your personalities are different and that’s OK. Don’t change yourself to make it work because God has a better fit for you.
I hope this blesses you. Praying for you as you embrace your personality and wait for God’s best.
-Jen @ MRP
Have a question for Ask MRP? Send it to firstname.lastname@example.org.
I think it’s safe to say that every woman has something about herself she’d like to change. It would be kind of awesome to have a “Delete” button that would instantly shave off extra pounds or that weird toenail that refuses to grow normally.
If such a button were real, I think Leah would have used it. In Genesis 29, Leah is described as having “weak eyes”, which translates to a homely appearance. To make matters more difficult, her younger sister Rachel was a bombshell and the openly more preferred wife of their husband, Jacob.
And like women today, I’m sure Leah couldn’t avoid comparing herself. Measuring her beauty against Rachel’s. Calculating where she fell short to where her sister triumphed. Pondering how to fix what was broken in order to be loved.
But she wasn’t broken. She wasn’t flawed. What she hated about herself was what God deliberately wanted in her. He used it to glorify Him and lift her up. When the story of her life is concluded, Leah gave birth to four sons, one of whom is in the lineage of our Savior, Jesus Christ.
Be they physical, personality or otherwise, our flaws aren’t accidents of design. They are intentional distinctions from God for you. You were specifically made to experience life, benefit others, and glorify God in the way He made you. Don’t rush to change. Rush to celebrate.
In January and February, we encourage you to accept and embrace the statement, “I Am Flaws & All.”
Happy New Year!
If you’re like me, a resident of the Eastern coast of the United States, this is a frigid Friday and you’ve curled up with either A) soft and fuzzy warm blankets or B) mugs of varied hot beverages or C) all of the above.
But for all of us, it’s also the first Friday of 2018. Two thousand and eighteen. I know it takes a few recitations for the foreign accent of a new year to melt into normalcy. But 2018 just looks and sounds futuristic to me.
So with that in mind, I’d like to ask you a question.
Who were you on the first Friday of 2000?
Yep, 2000, eighteen years ago. That period of time when Y2K was the biggest of deals, theories and questions about the new millennium ran amok, and a time when most of us were wee bitty teenagers.
Who were you then? What was your life like? What did you want and who did you want to be? What did you expect your life to be like in your 30s, like say, in 2018?
Do you remember?
I’ll go first.
The first Friday of 2000, I was a painfully insecure high school sophomore who loved writing stories and poems. I spoke softly, not to appease those who heard but to avoid their rejection as much as I could. My life was domestically peaceful. My parents loved me and provided a great and wonderful foundation. Yet internally, I consistently felt like I wasn’t enough. What I wanted was to be enough and to feel enough. I wanted to be pursued and loved. So my mind would eagerly throb with daydreams of Thirty-Something Jen. Thirty-Something Jen would have been happily married for 10 years to a handsome and adoring husband. Thirty-Something Jen would be a witty conversational butterfly. Thirty-Something Jen would eat confidence for breakfast and wrap power around her wrists like the wonder woman she’d be.
Now let’s fast forward to today. Who are you now? What is your life like? Based on your expectations in 2000, are you comfortable with where you are now?
I can go first again.
I’ve changed some and changed none. Through Christ, I realize how loved and valued I really am. But I still struggle with confidence. I am not a conversational butterfly and I married my handsome adoring husband only 2 years ago. On this first Friday of 2018, I am a 33-year-old who still speaks softly at times because the security I expected at this point never fully arrived.
How about you? Are you where you thought you’d be? It’s OK if you aren’t. And the truth is not many of us are.
Life after the age of 30 is presumed to be when women are more confident, more secure and more phlegmatic about themselves and their state of being. But that’s a mistaken belief, one that a lot of us have swallowed whole.
What happens when you thought you’d be a wife and mother by 30, and you’re single at 42? What happens when you thought you’d be an award-winning journalist by 29 and you’re a data entry clerk at 35? When our hopes and aspirations don’t match the reality of our circumstances and we can’t figure out how to join them together, an identity crisis is formed. Our sense of ourselves leaves solid ground and we can drift into uncertainty and resignation.
In 2018, the Modern Ruth Project will focus on the tension of discovering who you are in Christ, who He made you to be in this world, and how to get to and enjoy where you want to be. Throughout the year, we will be posting stories about career growth and transformation, spiritual endurance, marriage/dating experiences and counsel, and maintaining a healthy mindset about who and how the Lord made you.
I can’t wait to go on this year’s journey with you!