You Are A Royal Diadem

Posted in Modern Ruth, You Are Royalty by

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I had a catch up session with a dear friend a while ago and we spoke about many things. One topic that stood out was on being involved in church ministry or doing life as single ladies and how it can be challenging as well as a blessing. But if it is the Lord’s will for a man to come along,  it would happen in the Lord’s timing. In the interim, how should we feel about ourselves?

Do you feel like  royalty every day? Do you look at yourself in the mirror and see a beautiful princess created by the Almighty God? If your answers are no, then you may consider to align your perspectives with what the scriptures has to say about you.

Isaiah 62:3 (ESV)–“You shall be a crown of beauty in the hand of the Lord, and a royal diadem in the hand of your God.”

Although it was spoken to the Jewish nation and to the Church of that era, we could receive it principally as how God sees each one of us, that we are truly very precious in His sight.

Back to the conversation with the dear friend of mine. Of course, the subject of marriage arose. Both of us are single. My friend gave a very good illustration of being precious (expensive stones and jewels), or being of a royal descent. The common response to both would be:

Firstly, not everyone could appear before a royalty. There need to be some sort of a protocol. Just as not everyone could handle expensive jewels, only those who are authorized and are in the jewelry business. Secondly, there is no easy access to royalty. The person appearing to them has to be presented by the staff of the royal family.Thirdly, only those who can afford to purchase precious jewels will be granted the privilege of viewing or touching them.

In summary, there must be actions that convey due respect and highest honor to royalty and in the case of the precious jewel, to have ownership of it, a price must be paid. Applying the examples in our lives, as we comprehend how much we are worth in the sight of our Creator,  we will conduct ourselves differently. We will create boundaries; we will not ‘cast our pearls before swine’ because we know that Jesus has paid the ultimate price for us. Likewise, I trust that in choosing the future spouse for us (in His will and in His timing), God has and is preparing men who know how to handle His princesses with much care, tenderness, respect, honor and love.

My dear lovely ladies, I’d like to end this article by asking you one important question – have you found the source of your true worth which can only be found in the redemptive grace of our Lord Jesus Christ? Jesus died for your sins and on the third day He rose again. Do you agree to confess your sin and acknowledge your need of a Saviour?

Dear Lord Jesus, I believe that You are the begotten Son of God who died for our sins and give us eternal life. I now confess my sins and ask that you forgive me. I accept You as my personal Lord and Saviour. Please come into my heart and by faith I receive this gift of salvation. Amen.

If you said yes to receiving Jesus wholeheartedly and said the above prayer, please email me at timmieliewtm@gmail.com and I would love to chat with you further.

timmie-liew Timmie

Hello, my name is Timmie and I’m from Malaysia. I am a lawyer by profession. I am a charismatic, passionate person and enjoy beautiful things in life such as travelling to different cities to appreciate the culture. I love fashion and appreciate ‘coffee time’ with people to talk about life and build meaningful relationships. I’m passionate about the things of God, the Church and authentic leadership. My deepest desire is to embrace all that God has called me to be and be a blessing to whoever that God has placed in my life past, present and future. Our God is a GREAT God, and the best is yet to come !🙂

MRP Interview: Jessica Santosa

Posted in Modern Ruth, MRP Interview by

This year, the Modern Ruth Project will feature occasional interviews with specialists and professionals who are experienced in each month’s topic. This month, I had a delightful and insightful conversation with international Christian dating coach, Jessica Santosa. 

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Jessica Santosa (www.jessica-santosa.com)

MRP: How did you get into relationship/dating coaching?

Jessica: After 5 years [of being] single and unconvinced that sitting in my bedroom, praying and waiting for men in my church to ask me out wasn’t working, in 2014, I secretly enlisted a secular dating coach that utterly transformed my life . That was when the concept of even having a dating coach was introduced to me!

I’m talking late night YouTube videos, headphones in, quilt overhead, fully immersed in this guy’s work. He educated me on the male mind, why I kept trainwrecking relationships, and what bits of the past gave no help to my present. During this time, I wasn’t sure if God approved of my new obsession with dating advice. I had been following Jesus since I was 17. Now I was 26, incredibly frustrated, confused and felt largely judged by the people in my church. Looking back,  I realize that perhaps He was leading me to fill a gap in the Kingdom, which is now my joy, honor, and privilege.

With my dating coach, I gained a clandestine sort of power. I also learned that I was the prize to be won. I finally started to have fun being single and had a revelation of my own worth and beauty. My confidence soared, and I enjoyed connecting with people wherever I went. I would get a number of offers to go on dates from men in and outside of church, and the Lord gave me peace about that process. I realized dating could be this really enjoyable season where a woman learns the power of her femininity in Christ without losing herself,  that she could be the chooser, firm in who she is and what she wants.

During 2014 through 2016,  I was simply desperate to get to the bottom of what I call a “broken Christian dating culture.” I started recording these theories for entertainment on my personal blog, complete with Canva designed cartoon-like illustrations, making fun of myself and my experiences. My pastor, my friends, and my connect group were incredibly supportive and enjoyed these articles, saying they felt refreshed and relieved by the honesty! The churches I grew up in were good at teaching marriage, leadership and serving, but not so helpful on teaching singles to date with honesty, enjoyment and strategy.

The drive solidified when I learned that I had 6 committed Christian friends who were already divorced. Out of the six, 3 told me how they first got together, and many discussed about how “God gave them a word” or “They were just so madly in love they went ahead with the wedding.” Many rode on the expectations and excitement of their community, honestly thinking they were making the right decision, only to find that the voices of others overrode their own judgement of the person they [were marrying].

The state of Christian dating culture in Sydney, Australia [my home country] left many of my peers confused and frustrated. The more I wrote, the more my peers praised my candid, brutally honest accounts. My blog was found by Match UK, who then asked me to contribute to the Christian Dating section of their website. 

Then text message screenshots from girlfriends and guy friends alike started rolling in. I would write scripts back to my friends,  telling them what to say to the people they were dating. And soon I became the dating coach of my church community. 

One day, I experimented with a banner ad on my website for a free 15 minute Love Readiness Assessment, and attracted clients from the UK, Albania, Canada, the U.S., and  Australia. And that was when I realized the bride of Christ is in need of a dating coach who understands the problems unique to her context as Kingdom people. I can’t believe the amount of people that tune [into my Instagram Live show] (all 55 of them every Saturday, hooray!). The heart is something every Jesus-loving single is desperate to get right under God’s biblical direction. 

MRP: What are the benefits of enlisting a dating coach?

Jessica: We go to a personal trainer if we want to increase in health and strength. We go to a financial advisor to learn how to budget, invest and handle money. Women succeed in their vocations because they do some formal training in their chosen careers, but rarely are people taught how to intentionally build a healthy romantic relationship.

My clients receive a coach who is fully invested in their love lives and will guide them on how to navigate the dating jungle from wherever they are in their journey. I’ve been a Christian for 13 years, went to Bible college for 2, and worked in the helping profession for 8 years. It’s my obsession and hunger to consume wisdom on how to do rich, meaningful relationships God’s way. I was also 5 years single and experienced what it was like to be lonely, horny, and desperate, but managed to grasp onto God’s hand into peace, enjoyment and freedom in dating.

MRP: Why do you think it’s so hard to date as a Christian woman?

Jessica:

  • Overspiritualization: Too much praying in bedrooms about it and not enough taking small risks to just meet people and put yourself out there.
  • Comparison & unrealistic standards: Many Christian women I’ve coached spend too many hours comparing themselves to the couples preaching on the pulpit, and think “I won’t settle for anything less than that.” What it’s really about is thrashing it out with God about who you are and what your mission is. We’re the Body of Christ for a reason where every ligament does its different job!
  • Fear of judgment: I encourage my clients to go on lots of dates, whether through dating apps or accepting coffee from the guy in her Bible study, even if she’s not that into him. Dating experience is so taboo in the church context, when actually that’s been recommended by experts as the path to gaining a full understanding of what character and emotional style will be best suited to you. I was casually dating 4 wonderful, marriage-minded Christian guys so I could make an informed decision about who my life partner would be, until the Holy Spirit led me to the ONE right man.
  • Negativity bias: I’ve had some amazing successful Christian women quote dreary statistics to me about how there are significantly less men than women out there, until I told them I was accepting casual dates from 4 eligible Christian guys before I decided to become exclusive with one. (BTW: That one turned out to be the love of my life!) And I’m sure I figured it out through having a wide berth of dating experience, which trained me on how to pick the right guy!

MRP: What are some of the most common dating mistakes Christian women make?

Jessica:

  • Emotionally over-investing way too early in the process. I think this is caused by how rarely Christian guys ask us out for coffee. So much that the Christian woman jumps at the opportunity when “this must be it.” Compatibility is ascertained by prolonged loving actions over time, not a whirlwind romantic pursuit, as lovely as it feels in the moment!
  • Sitting pretty: Call me a hard-line pragmatist, but I think too many Christian women are “waiting” and not doing enough “acting.” Go out there, network, strike up friendly conversations with guys and girls alike!
  • Misunderstanding godly femininity and masculinity: Women need men and men need women! Both sexes benefit from serving each other when we reflect God in the complimentary ways we have been created. I find that much of my content surrounds educating women on the male mindset. For example, a woman may start the conversation with a man, but then it’s up to him to pursue her. Because if she chases the man, it robs him of his “masculine birthright” to chase, pursue, and win her.

MRP: What are the biggest obstacles faced by Christian women in the dating world? How can they be overcome?

Jessica: Standing firm as God’s daughter in the secular dating context, and funnelling out meaningful dating experiences from dross. Also, denying our sexual appetite is a huge obstacle, and the church are not giving clear answers on how to deal with these desires. I am blessed in that my church regularly invites a Christian sexologist to speak at the young adults conferences. But the topic is so difficult to navigate that many women reach 30 and relax their standards because they are tired of waiting and feeling ashamed.

To be honest, I’m not sure on how to overcome this. I know the desire for sex lessened for me once I fell in love with my boyfriend because our emotional and spiritual connection is so strong. Now waiting until we’re married is without question.

MRP: What advice would you give Christian women who have never been on a date or in a relationship?

Jessica: I’d say,  “You’re amazing, but you need to stop taking yourself so seriously. Download CoffeeMeetsBagel and have fun!” Honestly! If you’ve followed the Lord for a long time, trust in your ability to maintain your boundaries, and enjoy getting to know guys slowly at the cross road of building connection and potential romance.

MRP: What relationship resources (books, sites, programs) would you recommend to a single Christian woman?

Jessica: 

MRP thanks Jessica for sharing her wisdom with us! Learn more about Jessica and her coaching at www.jessica-santosa.com and follow her on Instagram (@jessica.santosa) and Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/jessica.santosa). Also, Jessica has published an e-book, “The Five Foundations To Attract Your Mr Right.”  The book details five building blocks to changing your dating habits. You can get the first chapter as a FREE download by clicking here: (http://www.jessica-santosa.com/shop/the-five-foundations-to-attract-your-mr-right)

Ask MRP!

Posted in Ask MRP by

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Dear MRP,

Last month, I was introduced to this guy by a friend of mine. We hit off (or so I thought) and began talking every other day. But then, a week ago, he pulled back and hasn’t been in contact, despite my attempts. I’m not sure what I did but it left me feeling kind of hurt and confused. It was only a short ‘conversationship’ and logically, I know I should just let it go but it still bothers me. How do I get over this?

—Hurt & Confused

Dear Hurt & Confused,

I’m sorry you’re going through this. False starts and fizzled burgeoning relationships are never fun. They end for variety of reasons, sometimes, very mysteriously like your situation. But I don’t think you should feel wrong about being affected by it.

I think you have a case of what I call ‘disbelief whiplash’. The promise of a successful relationship begins to rotate your view but a sudden enigmatic reversal snaps it back. If you had your hopes, that’s natural. And as a result, it’s also natural to feel let down when it ends. Also, it may not be because of anything you did. There could be a myriad of reasons for this guy’s disappearing act. Don’t collect guilt when it doesn’t have your name written on it.

Lastly, remember that God allows things to end for a reason. The electricity of a new relationship may divinely melt into a fizzle before it even takes off. And that’s for the best.

I pray that you continue to trust God in this and seek His best for you.

-Jen @ MRP

Have a question for Ask MRP? Send it to modernruthproject@gmail.com.

I Want You to Want Me

Posted in Modern Ruth, Most Wanted by

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I enjoy observing children while interacting with their parents. I observed that the girls would tend to be more clingy and chatty. The girls also have the natural propensity in admiring outfits, bags, accessories and make-up, etc. The various times I interacted with these little girls, their inquisitiveness delights me. It is no surprise that the girls would try to emulate what they have observed in dressing up like the adult and seek approval from friends and family around them to tell them that they look beautiful.

The girls constantly seek for approval while the boys would seek for the next activity or games to play or places to run around and explore. The contrast here is that the attention focus by the girls is more internal (and nurturing) while for the boys is more external (outburst of energy). The observation (of the girls) reminded me of the story of Adam and Eve after the fall in Genesis 3:16 when God said to her that “…your desire shall be for your husband…” I recall the times during my teenage years and in college when I would spend a lot of time and much of my pocket money to dress up in a certain manner to attract attention. Looking back (thanks to some of the pictures I still keep), I wondered what on earth was I thinking wearing some outfits I had chosen and the hairdos.

I’m of the view that the desire to be wanted is not a bad thing because it is part of our human nature and I can say in general that this desire may be stronger in women than in men. However, it is who we want acceptance from or wanted to be wanted is an issue that is worth reflecting.

Those high school and college years taught me that I could never please everyone and have my desire to be wanted fulfilled because even so, it was only temporary. There’s only so much I can do to ‘attract attention’ because there will be someone else who is ‘more attractive’, ‘commanding more attention’ that would make me feel ‘unwanted’.

Our desire to feel wanted will not disappear nor will it diminish. Just observe the trend of reality TV such as The Bachelor (22 seasons and counting!), and yes, I am not ashamed to admit that I enjoy watching the show. One common trait that I find in all of us is the longing for total acceptance, unconditional love, understanding, forgiveness, and undivided attention, despite our past, what we’ve done or what has been done to us.

I’d like to end with a statement made by a well-known apologist Dr. Ravi Zacharias that sums the mystery of our ‘longing hearts’ pretty well:

“There are at least four such longings (of the human heart). The hunger for truth, as lies proliferate. The hunger for love, as we see hate ruling the day. The hunger for justice, as we see injustice mocking the law. The hunger for forgiveness, when we ourselves fail and stumble. These four stirrings grip the soul. As I see it, there is only one place in the world where these four hungers converge. That is at the cross.”

With that, I firmly believe that as women, our longings to be desired could only be met in knowing how much God loves us and that He has always loved us. – in the person of Jesus Christ. Once we grasp this fact, the comprehension of His love surpasses our desire to solicit acceptance from other sources because our love tank has already been filled to the brim.

timmie-liew Timmie

Hello, my name is Timmie and I’m from Malaysia. I am a lawyer by profession. I am a charismatic, passionate person and enjoy beautiful things in life such as travelling to different cities to appreciate the culture. I love fashion and appreciate ‘coffee time’ with people to talk about life and build meaningful relationships. I’m passionate about the things of God, the Church and authentic leadership. My deepest desire is to embrace all that God has called me to be and be a blessing to whoever that God has placed in my life past, present and future. Our God is a GREAT God, and the best is yet to come !🙂

March/April: I Am Most Wanted

Posted in Modern Ruth, Most Wanted by

giphy (2).gifSo the whispers were true.

The fifth grade boys had allegedly ranked all the girls and listed each girl’s score on a sheet of composition paper. As is the way of 10-year-olds, secrets are never kept and soon, the list’s existence became the talk of the playground.  I giggled about it with my friends but I never let on about my deep concern. Was I pretty enough to be on the list? What was my score?

One afternoon, I found myself next to the spokesboy of this ranking committee. He hunched over the list while giving me side eyes of mischief and glee. It was then I decided that it was now or never. I snatched the list and won the precipitating vigorous tug of war. I skimmed the rudimentary chart to find my name and my score.  And there it was, in gray penciled certitude. My score was a 2.

I crushed the paper as hard I could, squashing into a ball. The subsequent outcry of my male classmates fell on my deaf and hurt ears.  The list was destroyed and so was my hope that I was wanted.

Feeling unwanted hurts, especially in seasons of singleness. It can feel like an incurable disease, endless, painful, and lonely. That’s why it’s wonderful to remember the truth of the matter. You are wanted. You are needed. You are sought after. Most of all, you are desired.

In Luke 15:4-6, Jesus says,

“If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them gets lost, what will he do? Won’t he leave the ninety-nine others in the wilderness and go to search for the one that is lost until he finds it? And when he has found it, he will joyfully carry it home on his shoulders. When he arrives, he will call together his friends and neighbors, saying, ‘Rejoice with me because I have found my lost sheep.’”

In fact, it takes the entire chapter of Luke 15 to explain how the Father seeks after His loved ones, us. You don’t look for something that’s worthless. A dropped penny means nothing to me. But a missing $100 bill will cause me to retrace steps, look under rocks, and turn my home upside down. That is how much Jesus wants you.

This March and April, remember, rediscover, and recognize that you are most wanted.

Speak Beauty

Posted in Flaws & All, Modern Ruth by

eyes-2564517_1920I walked past her at least 5 times. I was trying to catch a glimpse of each limb, each fingernail, each eyelash, each….wait….is that cellulite? I knew it! She has cellulite on her eyelids. I only have cellulite on my thighs like a normal woman. Why would he choose her over me? My cellulite is prettier and a lot less awkwardly placed.

Sounds ridiculous, right?

But before you judge me, remember how familiar it sounds. The last time you were rejected, passed over, made to feel like an option when you used to be a priority. We’ve all done it before. We somehow catch a glimpse of the new girl that we claim took our place and try with all our might to find cellulite in the girl’s eyelids. Her. Eye. Lids.

I know I’m not the only one.

But why do we do this to ourselves? To other women? Why do we elect to see flaws when God has demanded that we see beauty?

And even if that poor girl has cellulite in her eyelids, that’s not the reason we’re not together. There is something he sees in her that God is purposefully hiding in me. And He’s waiting for just the right time to reveal it to whom He sees fit. 

That man’s rejection is not a barometer of my beauty or a weight of my worth. Nor is comparing myself to her a balm for my broken heart, but a seed of bitterness that will destroy the beauty God so carefully mended into each cell of your being before you were even thought of.

How rude. You dismantle something the Creator of the universe molded with his bare hands, flaw after perceived flaw, so that you can find cellulite in other women’s eyelids.

That’s like finger painting over the Mona Lisa or setting fire to the great basilicas of Rome. If you did that, you’d be arrested and probably put to death by firing squad. And those were only made by men. But somehow since it seems as if our criticisms of God’s own handiwork go unnoticed, we feel our tearing apart the work of God’s finger is without consequence.

I don’t know about you, but I’d rather face the firing squad than to come face to face with the Master Artist whose work you’ve secretly torn apart out of envy and insecurity.

Want to avoid that fate? I’ve got an idea. Next time the sky is clear, go out and take a look at the stars. Observe how carefully He placed each one and set them in the sky as evidence of His handiwork. 

And despite how beautiful that night canvas can be, it cannot compare to the ones He’s made in His image. Just like there is beauty in each star, there is far more in each of us. Infinitely more.

Choose to see that next time the enemy prompts you to compare. Speak beauty over each flaw, both in yourself and in her. Even the cellulite in her eyelids.

roz Roz

Hey there!  My name is Roz.  I’m a full time working, single, homeschooling mother to the world’s funniest 5 year old on the planet.  I’m an introvert who is obsessed with bacon.  I like to play music extremely loudly in my car and will keep singing at full voice even when you turn to stare.  I also blog occasionally over at mamamannalife.com where I write words about Jesus, homeschooling, and the beauty of imperfections.  I look forward to sharing my imperfections with you, as well.